Mother,

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Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

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You are the best one.

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Let me tell you about my Mom. She always knows exactly what I'm thinking- what I need in the way of fresh water, more food, walkies, bathroom...you name it, she knows even before I do that I want that thing.

We have ESPN or something. She can read my tiny mind.

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I like to sit on her when she knits. 

Maybe rest a paw on her thigh.

Sigh.

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Thanks for being my Mom.

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Lying Liars and the Lies They Tell

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Okay, lookit. If I tell you I haven't been fed, 

then I haven't been fed, goddamnit.

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Those other dogs? Laying about, acting like their bellies are full? Napping in the sunshine on the back deck?

Fucking liars.

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I ain't been fed yet.

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It's a good thing for me I speak a little Puerto Rican. THE WOMAN always listens when I throw down a little bit of "Aye, Senora, tengo muy hambre."

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"Ese hombre no me dio ningun cualquier cosa comer."

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No estoy mentiendo.

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Pet The Ass

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Look, it's pretty simple. I don't know why I have to spell it out for you every time I see you, but you can be a little dense at times, so here it is again:


"Pet The Ass Part"


You want to squeeze my face? Kiss me? Grab my jowls and shake my head back and forth? Fine. No problemo.

Just do me a solid, man. Pet the ass.

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You see me out there on the porch, rubbin' my butt on the bricks, on the sidewalk, on the welcome mat, on the chaise lounge and under the chairs, you gotta know I need that butt part rubbed.


It's not optional.

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I'm just sayin, is all.



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Lookit Me

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THE MAN did this picture of me.

I think it makes me look fat.

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And in need of botox.

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Dumb Ass

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That's Dumb Ass. 

AKA Cash. Cassius Clay. Retard. Nervous little poodle. 

The list goes on.

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If there is anything at all going on, Dumb Ass is the last to know about it. Feeding time, walkies, nappies, whatever. 

Day late and a dollar short.

He's a good kid, though. 

He does like to play. 

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He usually hurts himself and breaks something. Then limps around howling and barking and half wagging his little stumpy tail and trying to grin, like "Oh, it's nothing. I'm okay. Did you see that big old table right there? Man, I had no idea it was that hard. Am I bleeding?"

What do you do with a dog like that?

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Half the time he barks, he got no idea. 

Just likes the sound of it, I guess.

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He's just the thing, though, when you need somebody to go to the beach with, or run in the mud with, or someone to bite. I can latch onto those jowls and he'll drag me around the backyard for hours.

I like him alright. 

Not his fault he's dumb as a box of hammers.

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So, that's the crew. Me and Raj and Cash. The three amigos. 

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Rajah

This is Raj.

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Don't let her fool you. 

She is a wild animal.

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Man, all you gotta do is try to get just a little bite of food from her bowl, and she goes apeshit.

She'll bite you. 

Hard.

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It's good to have her around though, because she fulfills a lot of the real dog duties that come up. Late night barking, chasing deer, raccoons, opossum, the neighbors, man, she digs that shit. Which is cool, cause that means I can keep chillin' on the sofa and I don't have to worry some nutjob is gonna come up in the house and rob it.

Not with that bitch outside they won't.

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Every few days, man, she takes off. Gone all night. No idea where she goes. 

But she always comes back with the goods.

Chicken leg. T-bone. Bag of dead fish. Every bowl of catfood left out in a two mile radius.

She the bomb.

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Don't fuck with her, though.

I'm serious man. 

You'll draw back a stump.

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Going Outside

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One of the good things is this whole going outside endeavor. There are many, many ways of going outside, some of which are better than others. There is short walkies, which is just down to the post office and back. Sometimes, this is plenty. Especially if it is hot or sunny outside. You can boss around some old people on the sidewalks, or threaten a golden retriever stuck in a parked car, and you can go into Bob & Jans and get a little doggie treat, and still get home in time for All My Children or Anthony Bordain and not be too damn tired. 

But sometimes a bulldog just needs to cut loose, and this is what Lone Palm or Secret Beach are good for. You have to take the boxer or it gets kind of boring, but with him it is just lots of fun. There is chasing, and biting, and threatening, and bullying, and running after, and cutting off from the path, and chasing into the surf, and not letting out of the surf....there is just a hell of a lot of fun stuff to do.

There are elephant seals. There are egrets. There are cormorants. There are squirrels. There is seaweed. There is sand. There are flies. There are big waves and small waves. Tidepools. Sticks. Ticks! 

The fun never ends.

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The main thing is you have to have a lot of water in the truck for after. I mean, a lot.

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Then when you get home it is bath time. And then nap time. 

Like, for, eighteen hours.

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Ah, me. Life is good when you are a bulldog.

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