Walkies!

*

Oh, hell, YES!


*


I OWN THIS PATH!


*

*

And this one, too!

*

I can FLY!!!

*

*

Where's waldo?

*

I'm watching the surfers headed back from Cardiacs.

*

I had me a good walk,  I really did.

*

*

Don't worry, ocean. 

I'll be back soon!

*

Namaste.

***

It felt as if one's whole world was one long Sunday afternoon. Nothing to do, nowhere to go.

*

I know, I know.


It's been a long time.


*



But, shit, man, I been busy!


I got a new bed. That girl had a new baby. There is all kinds of new smells around here.


Plus, there is that new man that comes around.


*

He throws toys for me.


I hear him at the door? I'm under the desk, diggin' out a squirrel or a rabbit or something, anything! for him to throw for me!


*


Anyways. It's Sunday. I had my walk. I had my bath.


Time to get my nap on.


*

Goddamn Sonofabitch Motherfucker

*

Okay, check this shit out:

1. My right eye is all gooped up. Dry eye they call it. Now I gotta get drops in my damn eye twice a day. 
2. My face is all torn up and infected from scratching it because my goddamn ears were infected. So I'm taking antibiotics and getting my ears cleaned out and drops in them.
3. I got the damn arthritis in my joints and can't barely go walkies or get up on the fracking poof. So I'm taking a beef-flavored pain pill once a day.
4. Plus, the man keeps giving me baths.
5. Plus and, the damn woman is nowhere to be seen.

To say I am put out would be putting it mildly.

*

I do, however, kind of have a crush on all my new doctors at the new vets office. They love me so wicked bad they can't help themselves. They get all on the floor with me and rub my belly and my butt and kiss my face and all kinds of good shit.

*

Oh, shit. Here comes the man. 

He's gonna put me in the tub, I can feel it.

*

Walkies

*

This is the stuff right here.

The open road.

The iodine smell of the sea, the wind in my fur, private places to poop!

Its got it all!

*

Of late my parents have done lost their minds. The woman especially. The way it goes is, the man gives me a bath cuz I stank. Then he dries me off. Then I run around and around under the chairs on the back deck, scratching my back on the lower rungs. Then I lie down in the hot sun and take a nap.

All well and good, right?

Then, in a quiet moment when no one is watching, I slip away into the back garden, lie down in the dirt, and roll on my back till I am completely covered in dust and dirt and goodness.

Then I go inside and take a nap on the floor.

This is where the woman goes berserk. Out of nowhere she swoops down on me, all aghast and shocked at my condition, and out we go onto the back deck. Only now she busts out  the hose! And uses it on me!

On the bulldog!

The things I have to put up with around here. 

Its humiliating. 

*

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off for my walk.

***

Weekend Plans

zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzz.............snort.................zzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............

*



Check back later....





****

There Will Be Toast

*


My favorite movie.



*



By way of explanation:


After dinner we get "slanket time" on the sofa and we watch some weird foreign movie, which is okay, sure. As long as I get pet.

But about halfway through the movie, Mom announces, "It's time for toast."


And we all get up and has toast.


My toast is chicken strip snacks.


*



There Will Be Toast.



*

ether bunny

*


"Oh, the pain, the pain!"


Dr. Zachary Smith, Lost In Space



*

Me as a Puppy.

*


'nuff said.



*

Rainy Day Walkies

uhm, Dad, you let me get wet.

*

The people think that I am being contradictory when I will run and play in the driving rain and splash in puddles and rivers and streams and run headlong into the ocean but I WILL NOT GET IN THE BATH.

They just don't understand what's fun and what's not.

*

I'm glad my mom is back home. I slept like the dead last night.

All is well.

*

the end of the road, dude.

Later, gator.

*

Lone Palm

getting my walk on

Dad takes me to the nicest places

It looks better with me in the picture

I had a lot of exploring to do

I pretended I was a bear coming out of hibernation

*


Well, here's a little post about my day. The man finally stayed home from work for once in his miserable life and took me out to Lone Palm.

So instead of spending the entire day asleep on my custom hand-made Morroccan leather poof, I will only spend twenty-three hours asleep on it.

The other hour was spent chasing enormous white egrets and gazing at sea lions and otters and gulls and cormorants and eating grass and running and running and running and then walking very slowly and panting and resting in the shade and trying to eat poop.

A girl has got to try.


*


I miss you, Mom.


Hurry home.



Love-

Lu.


***

Poof Doggy Dog

*



It's raining.



I've been for my walkies.



The fox has got his little feets chewed off.



The raccoons is gone.




*






Time for nappies on the poof.




Doesn't everyone have a handmade leather bed from Morocco?




No?




*







Wake me when my bowl is full, bitches.




***

What I Get Up To When I'm Left With Sugar Daddy

*


I sleep here now.




*

I go walkies whenever the fuck I want to.



*

But I still miss my Mommy.



Real, real bad.



***




Come home now!




***

little patch of sunlight girl

*

If there is something better than sitting on the porch soaking up the morning sun, I want to know what it is.

Put it in my bowl.


*


The woman and the man are back now and everything is as it should be.


Except he gave me a bath.



But he dried me off after, which almost makes up for it.



*

Headlong, headless, heedless, asleep.

The woman understands me.

That man, he's just crazy.

*

But he takes me to the beach. And he lets me ride in the back of the truck even though I'm not supposed to. And he rubs my butt like I like.

*

He don't listen to me like the woman does, though. He leaves me sitting at the back door too long and won't get up in the middle of the night to let me out to pee.

She knows me. She knows when I'm hungry or sleepy or when it's time for walkies. She takes me to work, too.

*

She also sticks the camera in my face when I'm trying to take a damn nap!

***

There. I have defeated the sea.

*

The thing about the ocean is that it just doesn't know when it's been licked. I mean, you go there, there's all these waves- they just rush in and crash down, over and over, no matter how many times you get in there and rip them apart, they just keep coming.

It can wear a dog out.

It took me a while, but I finally got it done. The whole ocean got tired of me kickin' its butt and declared a truce.

I gave it a good long stare and everything was as still as a pond.

No need to turn back and check.

*

On to the next foe!

Pensive Lucy

*

Somedays a bulldog just wants to look out the window, watch the world go by.


It's good if it's raining then.



*

I am trying out a new fitness plan. Twenty hours of sleeping and one hour of enforced activity with the other dogs.



It was not my idea, I can tell you.


*

Now, if you'll forgive me, my mom is making elevensies. Which means there will be fried egg whites waiting for me.


So later for you. I got something to attend to.



***

Who, me?

*

The indignities never end.

*

Okay, one thing is, they keep giving me baths. Which is humiliating enough. Except for the drying off part, which I have to admit is the goddamn cat's pajamas. But then they've been putting some nasty-ass flea medicine on me, which smells like the worst thing in the world times about a brazilian. And worse yet, this freaking neem oil shit that just smells like ass.

And not in a good way.

*

Right now I'm in trouble because of another smell. Which is what. I don't know. It smells like a hundred thousand dead cows and there is some dead chicken in there, and also dead moles and some fish, smelt maybe, and I think a couple of old dead people, too. Plus some whale bones and elephant carcasses.

Bone meal. Blood meal. 

They put it all over the goddamn garden!

It smells like a freakin' slaughterhouse!

*

In a good way.

*

So, I got in there a little bit. Put my face in there. Right in there. Shit, I wanted to climb in and roll around, get it rubbed in to every square inch of me.

But a lady has to maintain a certain level of respectability.

So I just rooted around like a little piggie with my snout.

*

MMMMM!

*

Now I ain't allowed out no more.

*

I ask you, where's the justice?

*

And, yes. It's time for another bath.

*

Bath. Blech.

*

And another thing. What's with this bath bullshit? 

*

I mean, a girl finally gets herself smellin' good and they gotta come around and ruin it. 

Not to mention the indignity of it all.

Really.

*

But there is a good part: getting dried off! 

Now you're talking!

*

Mother,

*

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

*

You are the best one.

*

Let me tell you about my Mom. She always knows exactly what I'm thinking- what I need in the way of fresh water, more food, walkies, bathroom...you name it, she knows even before I do that I want that thing.

We have ESPN or something. She can read my tiny mind.

*

I like to sit on her when she knits. 

Maybe rest a paw on her thigh.

Sigh.

*

Thanks for being my Mom.

*

Lying Liars and the Lies They Tell

*

Okay, lookit. If I tell you I haven't been fed, 

then I haven't been fed, goddamnit.

*

Those other dogs? Laying about, acting like their bellies are full? Napping in the sunshine on the back deck?

Fucking liars.

*

I ain't been fed yet.

*

It's a good thing for me I speak a little Puerto Rican. THE WOMAN always listens when I throw down a little bit of "Aye, Senora, tengo muy hambre."

*

"Ese hombre no me dio ningun cualquier cosa comer."

*

No estoy mentiendo.

*